I always thought that you were supposed to take your children to the dentist when they turn 4. So we took Jack this month. Apparently you should take them once they get teeth because he has a lot of problems! He even has a cavity so bad between his teeth, that we can't even see, that needs to be pulled!!! It makes me sick just typing this. Did you know that you should floss your 2, 3 and 4 year old's teeth? I didn't, but you should! I don't think this happens very often and probably what happened is that when his teeth were developing in utero I got a fever which compromised his enamel development and now his teeth are just more susceptible to decay :(. Because of his age we will have to take him to the hospital and have him put under for the procedure and pay a FORTUNE!!!!!! Really, I just can't hardly think about this for so many reasons.
I was laying in bed last night feeling so upset about this. Thinking about my baby being put under and fighting fears about fluky things happening and all this money....and it really boils down to being my fault. I truly take full responsibility for all this. And it got me thinking about the fact that he is suffering physically b/c of my choices. I was thinking about eating and how many children are fed junk (mine included) and it's not their fault. I was thinking about how many children aren't trained well b/c it's too hard (mine included) and it's not their fault. The ramifications for these things have life long consequences for these children and it's not their fault. I began to really feel the gravity of my responsibility as a mom. I know that there are no perfect parents. I know that we are not called to perfection. But I also know that I am lazy and lacking in self discipline....and it shows. It shows in Jack's teeth which weren't flossed, it shows in the junk we ate this weekend, it shows in my house in so many ways and worst of all it shows in my children. There are things that Suzannah is struggling w/ which are a result of MY lack of self discipline. There are sibling issues and attitudes and lack of diligence and so much more and it isn't their fault. At some point in an individuals life their choices become their responsibility and the consequences are deservedly theirs. But my children are too young for that. Any issues they have right now are b/c of me at this point. Parenting is HARD!!!! And all to often I am the one acting like an immature child. How am I going to raise children to maturity (I'm not speaking of physical maturity here) if I give myself permission to act immaturely? I've just got to start holding myself to a higher standard and not give myself permission to be lazy when it comes to my kids. They depend on me more than they are able to realize at this age and I have got to keep that in mind. I HAVE GOT TO BE THE EXAMPLE!!! They are w/ me all. the. time and I've got to be the example.
Man I feel like a broken record! When will I get it?!
So, all this to say, I feel the gravity of my responsibility. God is good! And I know that raising children isn't all about me and that HE is the only one that can give them pure love and that HE is their salvation. I just want to do my best at this calling he has given me. It's hard, but I can do hard things. I can do hard things b/c He is my strength and will give me everything I need to be a fiercely devoted, dedicated and disciplined mother.