Tuesday, October 18, 2011

An Epiphany

I always thought that you were supposed to take your children to the dentist when they turn 4.  So we took Jack this month.  Apparently you should take them once they get teeth because he has a lot of problems!  He even has a cavity so bad between his teeth, that we can't even see, that needs to be pulled!!!  It makes me sick just typing this.  Did you know that you should floss your 2, 3 and 4 year old's teeth?  I didn't, but you should!  I don't think this happens very often and probably what happened is that when his teeth were developing in utero I got a fever which compromised his enamel development and now his teeth are just more susceptible to decay :(.  Because of his age we will have to take him to the hospital and have him put under for the procedure and pay a FORTUNE!!!!!!  Really, I just can't hardly think about this for so many reasons. 

I was laying in bed last night feeling so upset about this.  Thinking about my baby being put under and fighting fears about fluky things happening and all this money....and it really boils down to being my fault.  I truly take full responsibility for all this.  And it got me thinking about the fact that he is suffering physically b/c of my choices.  I was thinking about eating and how many children are fed junk (mine included) and it's not their fault.  I was thinking about how many children aren't trained well b/c it's too hard (mine included) and it's not their fault.  The ramifications for these things have life long consequences for these children and it's not their fault.  I began to really feel the gravity of my responsibility as a mom.  I know that there are no perfect parents.  I know that we are not called to perfection.  But I also know that I am lazy and lacking in self discipline....and it shows.  It shows in Jack's teeth which weren't flossed, it shows in the junk we ate this weekend, it shows in my house in so many ways and worst of all it shows in my children.  There are things that Suzannah is struggling w/ which are a result of MY lack of self discipline.  There are sibling issues and attitudes and lack of diligence and so much more and it isn't their fault.  At some point in an individuals life their choices become their responsibility and the consequences are deservedly theirs.  But my children are too young for that.  Any issues they have right now are b/c of me at this point.  Parenting is HARD!!!!  And all to often I am the one acting like an immature child.  How am I going to raise children to maturity (I'm not speaking of physical maturity here) if I give myself permission to act immaturely?  I've just got to start holding myself to a higher standard and not give myself permission to be lazy when it comes to my kids.  They depend on me more than they are able to realize at this age and I have got to keep that in mind.  I HAVE GOT TO BE THE EXAMPLE!!! They are w/ me all. the. time and I've got to be the example.

Man I feel like a broken record!  When will I get it?!

So, all this to say, I feel the gravity of my responsibility.  God is good!  And I know that raising children isn't all about me and that HE is the only one that can give them pure love and that HE is their salvation.  I just want to do my best at this calling he has given me.  It's hard, but I can do hard things.  I can do hard things b/c He is my strength and will give me everything I need to be a fiercely devoted, dedicated and disciplined mother.


Life with the Akin Clan said...

That was a toe stepping post. I relate in so many ways. I look at my kids and the problems that we have with them, well, it's all problems that I helped create because of my selfishness and immaturity. Thanks for being real Stacy! For the record, I think you're a great parent and it shows in your children!

Cheri said...

Stacy you are being too hard on yourself...our girls are grown and I look back and think how I should have done things differently. There is no handbook that comes with children and we do the best we can.

Love to all,
Aunt Cheri

YaYa and Pops said...

I agree with Cheri and Amy. You are a great Mom and you are being too hard on yourself. Rainsing children is sooo hard. Each child has their own set of special needs and issues that can sometimes tweek your own "issues". You have five little "tweekers" and the fact that you are holding yourself accountable shows what a good mom you are. As you said, only God can smooth out the rough spots and your kids will definately keep you on your knees. Take heart sweet mommy and "gird your loins"! It's a battle and you must win! You can do this!

Marie said...

Stacy- I can relate! My two oldest boys are struggling in school (specifically in reading)...I am a TEACHER!!! I feel awful, and every week something reminds me that I didn't sit down and read with them and work harder with them. Caleb and his molars sealed in august because he had the beginning stages of cavities. I feel inadequate on a daily basis and I tend to berate myself each day for everything I did "wrong". I pray each evening and each morning to help me to do the best that I can, to help keep me focused on my kids despite the fact that I work full time, that I am exhausted when I get home, and that I struggle with not following through. Our God is amazing, and we are very blessed that we do not have to go through this parenting life alone. We have amazing husbands that support and back, we have an absolutely amazing God that leads our hearts, minds and soul. He pricks our heart, not to throw in our face where we messed up, but to remind us to lean into Him and follow his lead. He knows this is a challenging road, and He teaches us every day to trust him (in my mind- that my kids will not need intensive counseling as a direct result of my skills, or lack of them!). I hear/feel/understand how you feel and how much you love your children. Just know that you are an amazing mom and woman of God. Praying for you and sweet Jack and all your kiddos!

The Clevelands said...

Yes - toe stepping!! You are a great parent - you can see it in your kids! I often pray for my children to grow up to be mature, responsible, God-fearing adults in spite of me becasue I know it won't be because of me!

The Goforths said...

A quote from A League of Their Own came to mind when I read the end of your post:

"It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great."

You are an AMAZING mom -- one to be admired. Thanks for sharing this post... I'm going to go floss my children's teeth now!

The Goforths said...
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